Picture this: You’re in a long term relationship, but lately things have been going downhill with your significant other—miscommunication has led to arguments and confusion within your relationship. One day, an argument goes a little further, becoming a big fight and leaving both you and your partner hurt, frustrated, and in need of space.
At this point in time, you and your partner have 3 main options:
Take the needed space to reflect, come back together, and consciously decide to work through any relationship issues in a healthy and open way
Break up
Decide to stay in the relationship, but shift focus elsewhere; detach
I think it’s fair to say that even the healthiest of relationships have these kinds of struggling moments now and again, and it doesn’t mean that you and your partner are doomed to fail, or should call it quits. (Unless, of course, the relationship is a toxic one, where the arguments outweigh the overall happiness). Ultimately, answers to the question of how to proceed in a time of relationship tumult depend on a great many things—but it really boils down to how willing a couple is to grow and move forward with one another.
As previously stated, many couples face three main options during times of trouble: (1. Stay and work it out) (2. Break up) (3. Stay and detach). This piece is going to focus on what happens when an individual decides, whether consciously or unconsciously, to employ option number three. More specifically, I’ll be examining how social media can play a detrimental key role in facilitating the downfall of struggling relationships (and even those not struggling!), by providing access to other options for connection outside of the relationship.
THE APP ERA & THE ‘PARADOX OF CHOICE’
In what I like to call, “the app era”, many of us own smartphones and regularly utilize apps. While Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter might be some of the most popular, all of us smartphone users have access to a great many more apps, apps geared toward very specific purposes. Take dating or hook up apps like Tinder or Bumble, for example. These apps download in a matter of seconds, and before you know it you can be swiping on a slew of attractive people in your area, who, like you, are actively looking to find someone new to get to know, or even get physical with. Apps like these are great for single people looking to meet someone, but they’re also a great crutch for those in struggling relationships who might be having a moment of weakness or doubt. In short, it has become too easy to stray.
Enter, the “paradox of choice”, a principle originally coined by psychologist, Barry Schwartz to describe the idea that, “while we consider variety [of choice] as a good thing, at the same time, it makes our decisions more challenging”(1). In short, when it comes to dating and choosing a mate, having too many options is not such a good thing. More specifically, too many prospects can leave us feeling like there is always someone better out there—which can lead to feelings of indecisiveness about commitment.
It seems fair to state that the “paradox of choice” does not simply “cease to exist” once two individuals have decided to enter into a commitment with one another—on the contrary, this paradox is still at play because the notion of “options” continues to exist. According to research conducted by Dr. Jayson Dibble and Dr. Michelle Drouin: “individuals continue to monitor the availability of their romantic/sexual prospects whether or not they are already in a committed relationship” (2). In layman’s terms, just because two people have decided to monogamously commit, doesn't mean other potential mates just disappear; we may put our relationship “blinders” on and not notice these people when things are going well, but in times of trouble, suddenly, we might remember that dating apps like Tinder exist and the “paradox of choice” perks back up again.
While the human psychology behind the “paradox of choice” has likely always existed, the fact of the matter is that the rise of the internet—coupled with the invention of carefully curated apps, has made it easier than ever to meet people you likely would’ve never otherwise encountered in your day-to-day life. Think about it: back before the internet, people would meet organically in real life, fall in love, and get married. Sure, cheating and affairs have always happened, however “back in the day”, finding someone to cheat with was likely a more difficult process than that of today, where apps like Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, etc have greatly streamlined this process. It should come as little surprise then when we learn that approximately 30% of Tinder users are actually married (3) Yikes.
In short, when the app era meets the “paradox of choice”, all bets are off.
THE PROBLEM WITH FACEBOOK
While dating and hook up apps might be enticing to individuals who are struggling in their relationships or are struggling with the idea of commitment more generally, studies show that more innocuous apps such as Facebook are just as, if not more likely to cause problems in long term relationships.
So WHY is Facebook so insidious?
Here’s the thing, unlike with Tinder, most of us have a Facebook account. Married or single, dating or divorced, Facebook is one of the most commonly used websites/apps in the world. At first glance, Facebook seems as innocent as anything else—after all, it helps us to reconnect with those long-lost high school friends and those far-away family members we rarely see—but it can just as easily reconnect us with exes and former flames. In his piece from TIME Magazine, entitled, “Facebook is a Cheating Machine”, popular divorce lawyer and author, James Sexton comments: “If I had to estimate, I would say I get two or three new cases per week that feature infidelity that started on, or was made easier to perpetuate by Facebook”(4). He goes on to discuss how Facebook functions as “foreplay”, stating : “Facebook facilitates adultery and infidelity generally. Facebook gives you the means, the excuse, and the cover to communicate with people you have no reason, no business, to talk to”(4). Sexton has a point—I mean, how many of us have used Facebook as a means of connection with total strangers, those “friends of a friend” who just so happened to friend request us and whom we just so happened to accept? The answer is, plenty of us. And while this might be fine if we’re single, allowing these strangers to shimmy into our DMs because we have accepted their friend request on Facebook, could prove problematic for those of us who are already committed.
According to an article by Adam Bulger, entitled: “We’re Entering a New Era of Infidelity. Social Media is to Blame”, he states: “The proof is in the divorce proceedings: In 2014, a British study revealed that the social media giant was cited in a third of U.K. separation cases” (5). Yes, you read that correctly— in this British study, one out of every three (roughly 33%) of divorce cases mentioned Facebook! Talk about eye opening...and mouth dropping. While not all of us are married, these findings are nonetheless disheartening when we stop to think about the fact that if Facebook has the power to help crumble a marriage, how much more harm could it do to a 6-month, or 3-year relationship? Cue “Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac because I smell breakup season in the air.
INSTAGRAM AND ‘FALSE NARRATIVES’
Social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook are largely responsible for helping us facilitate the creation of online “false narratives”: carefully curated portrayals of ourselves and our lives that make us appear flawless and problem-free. These “false narratives” aren’t telling the full story—and the truth is, most of us aren’t 100 percent honest online about our real-life struggles. Instead, it’s common for us to share the “highlights” of our lives, our “best moments”. When presented well, these “false narratives” paint the best pictures of ourselves and make our lives seem perfect, even when they're far from it. This sentiment is echoed by Jaclyn Cravens Pickens, a Sex and Family Therapist who attests that, “Facebook and other social media platforms abet cheating by offering a false view into people’s lives” (5). In short, these Facebook and Instagram versions of ourselves look good, which makes us more likely to appear oh so enticing to former flames, and new prospects alike. After all, who wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s “got it all together”?
While “false narratives” make us more likeable and enticing to others, they are also likely to cause jealousy and discontent in relationships by setting unrealistic expectations. Think about it: how many times have you been scrolling through Instagram and you come across a post about someone’s wonderful, perfect relationship? You know the ones, the couple is photographed somewhere beautiful, maybe on vacation, they’re both smiling and flawless—oh, and don’t forget about the caption where partner #1 gushes over just how happy and in love they are with partner #2, and about how they just have the most perfect relationship! Now seeing just one of these posts might not make much of a difference to you, but see enough of them and suddenly you’ll find yourself questioning your own relationship. It becomes an impossible struggle not to compare your imperfect relationship (all relationships are imperfect, btw), to these seemingly “perfect” relationships you keep seeing posted about online. Over time, these “false narratives” of “perfect” relationships can effectively push us away from our own partners by fueling the “paradox of choice” phenomena mentioned earlier. In other words, online “false narratives” fuel unrealistic expectations for relationships, which in turn leads many partners to question whether there might be someone better or more “perfect” out there, if only they were single.
It’s important to remember that “‘false narratives” are called “false” for a reason.
Dr. of Human Sexuality, Nikki Goldstein reveals that, “often it’s the people who post the most who are seeking validation for their relationship from other people on social media” (6). Goldstein’s point illustrates the notion that things are rarely what they seem or appear to be— in other words, just because a picture paints a couple’s relationship as flawless and secure, doesn’t mean that’s true (and it's probably not). The fact of the matter is, strong relationships don’t need outside validation—something worth considering the next time you’re feeling jealous over what someone else appears to have.
Nothing, no one, and no relationship is perfect and without flaws. This does not mean that you should ever feel compelled to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy; however, it does mean that you shouldn’t base your expectations for relationships off of what you see other couples posting online. The truth is, the key to a happy and successful relationship lies within two people who are committed not only to the well-being of the relationship itself, but also to their own personal growth and development as individuals within their partnership. Deciding to be monogamous to one’s partner is a choice, one we must continue to choose to ensure the health of our relationship. This does not necessarily mean being monogamous is always easy, but if you have committed yourself to being with one person, then consciously choosing monogamy even when it’s difficult, is important. Not everyone wants to be or can be monogamous, and that’s fine as long as they are honest about it. If you have a hard time committing, then stop committing—maybe it’s time to consider polyamory or an open-relationship; there are options. If we want to have successful relationships, cheating on your partner or fleeing your relationship because you're constantly trying to find something “better”, are not the answers. The answer lies in being honest with yourself about your needs, finding a partner who can meet those needs, and sticking with this person through thick and thin.
In a world of fickle, non-committers, wouldn't you like to be different? I know I would.
REFERENCES
Dodgson, Lindsay. “You Might Still Be Single Because of Something Called the 'Paradox of Choice' - Here's What It Means.” Business Insider, Insider Inc., 24 May 2018, www.google.com/amp/s/www.businessinsider.com/how-the-paradox-of-choice-could-explain-why-youre-still-single-2018-2%3famp.
Dibble, Jayson, and Michelle Drouin. “Using Modern Technology to Keep in Touch with Back Burners: An Investment Model Analysis.” Computers in Human Behavior, vol. 34, May 2014, pp. 96–100. Elsevier, Science Direct, doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2014.01.042.
Dredge, Stuart. “Research Says 30% of Tinder Users Are Married.” Business Insider, Insider Inc., 7 May 2015, www.businessinsider.com/a-lot-of-people-on-tinder-arent-actually-single-2015-5.
Sexton, James. “Facebook Is a Cheating Machine.” Time, Time USA, 26 Mar. 2018, time.com/5208108/facebook-cheating-infidelity-divorce/.
Bulger, Adam. “We’Re Entering a New Era of Infidelity. Social Media Is to Blame.” Fatherly, Fatherly, 17 Jan. 2020, www.fatherly.com/love-money/digital-infidelity-ruin-marriage/.
Blair, Olivia. “Couples Oversharing on Social Media Do So To Mask Relationship Insecurities, Expert Suggests.” The Independent, Independent Digital News and Media, 17 Jan. 2017, www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/couples-social-media-oversharing-facebook-instagram-twitter-relationship-insecurities-experts-nikki-a7530911.html.
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