Have you ever been in a relationship where you feel like you’re just not getting what you want? You know what I mean—the connection is there, the love is there, but you still find yourself feeling like something is missing? Well, you’re definitely not alone. Many people in relationships feel this way, and it can often lead these people to feeling unloved by their partner, even when that is very much not the case. So what causes this, and how can we work to fix it?
In this article, I am going to be breaking down the 5 Love Languages and explaining how they are key to making a relationship successful.
Let’s start with defining the term “love language”—a love language refers to the way in which we prefer to both give and receive love.
The 5 Love Languages are a love and relationship philosophy proposed by Dr. Gary Chapman, a bestselling author and longtime marriage counselor who has been using his philosophy to help struggling couples for years.
The 5 Love languages are as follows:
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Gifts
Now, let’s spend a little time breaking down and clarifying each of the 5 love languages so we can better understand what exactly they mean and why they’re important.
Physical Touch is basically exactly what it sounds like. People who have a primary love language of physical touch typically need more physical attention and affection than those who don’t. For example, these people are likely to place a strong importance on physical bonding—acts like hugging, kissing, cuddling, messing around, backs rubs, washing each other's hair, holding hands—basically any kind of activity that places the partners in close proximity and unites them intimately in this way. Simply telling this person you love them or going and doing things to show them how you feel isn’t going to be enough, they need to be physically close with you in order to truly feel and take in that love. Simply cuddling or kissing them can be the ultimate reassurance for them.
Words of Affirmation can be anything from compliments, like “you look so beautiful with your hair up like that”, to openly sharing feelings (ex: “you mean the world to me”), to providing emotional support through comments, saying things like, “Babe, i’m so proud of you for getting that promotion at work” or, “I really admire your creativity and your art is amazing”. These people need to hear how you feel about them, and often. Actions, without words are typically not enough for people with this love language. What I mean by that is, hearing “I’m so proud of you, you did great” is going to be more important than if you hadn't said anything and just expressed this same sentiment by giving them a gift, for example. For these people, reassurance in the form of verbal affirmation is of the utmost importance if you want to keep them around long-term.
Quality Time is about being together and enjoying one another’s company. People with this love language might need your undivided attention when spending time together, in order to feel that they are loved and a priority to you. With so many distractions in our day to day lives, it's easy to get caught up in other things while we are with our partners. Therefore, these people appreciate it if you’re not on your phone or focused on something or someone else during the moments you are spending together. Basically for these folks, it’s all about connecting and not having distractions. People with a love lang in quality time are the kinds of people that enjoy dates, going on adventures, and making memories together that can last a lifetime.
Acts of Service people are all about the action side of love. So, remember earlier when I said those with a love language in words of affirmation need to hear your love and be reassured verbally? Well, Acts of Service people are basically the opposite of that. In relationships, these are the people who really require their partner to show their affections by doing things for them—ultimately, actions are what makes them feel content and loved. For example, making your partner breakfast while they sleep in, or going and getting them a coffee while they get ready, or taking their car to go get washed—these are all examples of acts of service that one person does in order to take some of the stress or responsibility off of the other person. Here, love is expressed through the partner’s effort and thoughtfulness
Gift Receiving is another one of those that is pretty self explanatory. Receiving gifts from their partner makes people with this love language feel loved. Basically, to them, the gift is a representation of how their partner feels about them. Meaningful gifts that take time and effort to choose and are personal to the recipient are surely to be the best choice for these people.
While the 5 love languages are surely all necessary and ideal parts of making a relationship work, some of us prefer and require more of one thing than another. Each of us has one or sometimes two primary love languages, with the others being our secondary and less important love languages.
Interestingly, more often than not it is true that the way in which we each prefer to receive love, is usually the same way we show love. For example, if my primary love language is words of affirmation, I expect my partner to show his/her love and affection towards me through verbal affirmations, but I also bestow those verbal affirmations towards them as a way to show my love as well. As a result, our natural inclination is to love our partner in our love language, and this is where we go wrong! Many times, it’s not even our fault, we don’t know any better—we think that the way we show love should be enough and should automatically work for everyone else too but it doesn't, it's just not reasonable.
The biggest takeaway here is: LOVE YOUR PARTNER IN THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE, NOT YOUR OWN.
WHY SHOULD I LEARN MY LOVE LANGUAGE?
So by now you’re probably asking yourself, "why is it important for me to understand the love languages, and why should I learn mine?"
Well, the simple answer is that knowing yours as well as your partner’s love language can certainly save you both a lot of time (and sometimes even money) trying to figure out what each of you needs in order to feel properly loved within a relationship.
For example, if I have a partner whose love language is words of affirmation, but my love language is physical touch, we are going to run into some issues if we don’t properly understand this about one another. To be more specific, if I keep attempting at physical intimacy with my partner by, say, offering to rub her back or kissing her more when she’s feeling stressed or upset, but all she really wants is for me to offer some verbal reassurance that she’s doing a great job, then while my back rub and kisses may be nice, they aren’t what she needed in that moment to feel secure and fulfilled by me as her partner.
Another example would be, let's say my love language is quality time—but my partner works so much that we barely get to spend any time together, let alone doing something meaningful. So my partner, whose love language is gifts, buys me thoughtful things and thinks he’s showing his love—but all I really wanted and needed was more time together. This would likely leave me feeling lonely and unfulfilled in my relationship.
So what’s the solution?
Well, start with identifying your own love language, and have your partner do the same—then, talk about it. Open dialogue on this topic is going to be paramount to moving forward in the relationship. If you know your partner’s love language differs from your own, you can choose to take the necessary steps to love them in their love language—and they can do the same for you.
This may be difficult to do at first because our first instinct is to show love in the same way we prefer to receive it. But, don’t make this mistake. Be committed to unlearning this. Be committed to being open to the idea of change.
Best case scenario, you and your partner have the same primary love language or languages. But often, that’s not the case. And when that’s not the case, learning about you and your partner's individual love languages is the best personal step you can take towards a happier, more success and fulfilled relationship.
I said this earlier but I want to repeat it again now, because it is crucial: LOVE YOUR PARTNER IN THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE, NOT YOUR OWN.
If you want to figure out your love language, start by heading over to Gary Chapman’s official website and take his carefully curated quiz; this quiz will give you your results in the order of most to least dominant love language based on a percentage score for each. Learning your love language is the first step to fostering a more secure and happy relationship with your current or future partner!
Find out your Love Language here:
Want to know more? Here’s a link to Gary Chapman’s books:
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