How Understanding Your Adult Attachment Style Could Be the Key to Unlocking Relationship Success
It’s no secret that relationships aren’t easy. Sure, there are those people who appear to have a more seamless experience, who “get it right” early on—but the reality is that a lot of us struggle and flail mid-air before we are able to master that perfect landing, to have a healthy and long-lasting relationship with the right person. Others of us, unfortunately, may never get a chance at that long-lasting love.
Here’s a question: for those who don’t really struggle with appropriate partner selection, have you ever wondered why this comes more easily to you? And for those that do struggle, have you ever wondered why you continuously choose partners who just don’t meet your needs? Perhaps your prospects always seem to be the distant type—pushing you away every chance they get—or maybe you seem to attract the “needy” type, those who pull you in to the point of exhaustion, needing constant reassurance. You probably find yourself feeling let down a lot, or worse, like something is just fundamentally wrong with you, (its not, by the way). The truth is, what determines much of our relationship success, or lack thereof, has a great deal to do with what is referred to in the world of Psychology as, “Adult Attachment Styles”.
The concept of Attachment Styles comes out of Attachment Theory, which is:
“A psychological, evolutionary and ethological theory concerning relationships between humans” (1).
“Focused on the relationships and bonds between people, particularly long-term relationships, including those between a parent and child and between romantic partners” (2).
Additionally, Adult Attachment Styles are typically broken down into the following 4 categories:
Secure
Anxious-Preoccupied
Dismissive-Avoidant
Disorganized (Also known as Fearful-Avoidant)
Before we dive further into each Attachment Style, I’d like to first spend a little time acquainting you with how Attachment Styles are formed in individuals.
IT ALL STARTED WITH YOUR PARENT(S): HOW YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE FORMS
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth are considered the preeminent Psychologists whose work has guided much of the scholarship on modern day Attachment Theory. To expand on the definition I offered earlier, Attachment Theory posits that the way in which we were individually parented as infants and children, directly correlates to which “attachment style” we will possess as adults. During our infancy and childhood, we humans begin to form attachments to our caregivers (parents) and specifically to our mothers; these early moments are a crucial stage in our development. In other words, “The attachment relationship [with the primary caregiver] acts as a prototype for all future social relationships so disrupting it can have severe consequences” (3). In a study conducted by Psychologist Mary Ainsworth, and collectively referred to as the “Strange Situation” study, Ainsworth observed babies between 12 and 18 months to see what would happen in the following situation: parent and child enter a room, child explores that room with parent supervision, a stranger enters the room and approaches the parent and child, and then the parent leaves the child and stranger alone in the room (4). The parent returns after a while to comfort the child (4). Based on the results and findings of Ainsworth’s experiment, it has been suggested that children whose caretakers were more responsive to their needs dealt better with the separation from their parent (a Secure attachment style); those whose caretakers met their needs sometimes, but not always, “perhaps [because] they had trouble reading their babies’ cues, or were preoccupied with other tasks outside of nurturing”, were more likely to have an Anxious attachment style (5). These children had a harder time when their caretaker left and often employed “protest behaviors" (5). Lastly, caregivers who were more detached, were likely to have babies that responded in an avoidant way themselves, appearing unaffected whether or not their caregiver was present (Avoidant attachment style) (5). It wasn’t until the later work of researchers Mary Main and Judith Solomon that the fourth attachment style, Disorganized Attachment was identified. As babies, Disorganized Attachers had needs that were frequently unmet by their caregivers, likely due to abuse or neglect (5). In sum, the psychological studies carried out by Ainsworth and researchers since, help us to understand that young infants and children are very impressionable in their formative years; therefore, the way in which we are parented will have a significant effect on the person we become later in our lives, and on the attachment style that will inform all of our future relationships.
BREAKING DOWN THE 4 DIFFERENT ADULT ATTACHMENT STYLES
It is more helpful to understand the different attachments as functioning on a spectrum, rather than being neat little boxes we can all fit perfectly into. For example, just because someone may fall primarily into one attachment style pattern, doesn't mean they are incapable of also meeting certain qualities or characteristics of another style. It’s also worth noting that our individual attachment behaviors can both influence, and be influenced by, our partners and their individual attachment patterns (6)
SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE
For those of you that don’t seem to struggle much in your relationships, or with choosing an appropriate partner, your individual attachment style is likely to fall into the category of “Secure Attachment”. Adults who fall into this category are generally comfortable maintaining a balance between independence and interdependence (depending on each other) within their relationship partnership, and as a result they’re able to set and stick to clear boundaries (7). In other words, these people don’t feel the need to be with their partner constantly, as they are comfortable being independent; however, they are also comfortable depending on their partners, spending time together, showing interest, and being affectionate (7). Secure types tend to be more comfortable trusting others, and they are likely to offer honesty and support in relationships
(6). These adults are comfortable with opening up to their partners, sharing their feelings, and being vulnerable; they are also likely to have a positive self esteem and positive social interaction with others, whom they will go to for social support (4). Because they are more comfortable sharing feelings, Secure types are more likely than other types to turn to their partner to seek support during a difficult time, and conversely they are more likely to provide their partner with the same kind of support when their partner needs it (8).
ANXIOUS-PREOCCUPIED ATTACHMENT STYLE
For those of you who strongly desire relationship commitment but tend to feel less secure within the contexts of those relationships, your individual attachment style is likely to fall into the category of “Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment”. Adults with a dominant anxious attachment style often strongly desire love and affection—yet they struggle with feeling safe and secure once in a relationship, and at times may worry that their partner does not love them as much as they love their partner (4, 6 ). Anxious types struggle with trusting, and may become overly worried or concerned about their relationship, to the point of needing constant reassurance from their partner that things are okay. Due to their anxiety about the relationship, these individuals may succumb more easily to feelings of jealousy, or they may be more easily upset by smaller things (6). Anxious-preoccupied adults fear rejection from their partners, and can become clingy or emotionally dependent at times (9). These individuals may struggle with the reality of being single and without a partner, and as a result they are more likely to end up in relationships that are abusive or otherwise unhealthy (7). In addition, Anxious-Preoccupied types are more likely than other types to become severely distraught after a breakup (4).
DISMISSIVE-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE
For those of you who pride yourselves on being highly independent and don’t place as much importance on close relationships, your individual attachment style is likely to fall into the category of “Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment”. Adults with this attachment style tend to struggle with being intimate because they are uncomfortable doing so; for Avoidants, too much intimacy or time spent with a partner can feel like suffocation, and as a result they will usually try to avoid intimacy by doing things such as working long hours, or spending less time with their partner (7). Those struggling with avoidant attachment patterns are also more easily able to “shut down” and emotionally withdraw during difficult situations within their relationship—perhaps due to the fact that they are less likely to open up on an emotional level and share their feelings or thoughts with their partner in general (4, 6). As a result, these individuals don't tend to offer adequate support to their partners during difficult times (4). Committing to relationships is another common struggle for Avoidants, due to their fears about intimacy and their desire for independence above interdependence or partnership—this also leads some Avoidants to be more willing to engage in casual sex (4, 7). Because they are not big emotional investors, they are likely to be less distraught when a relationship comes to an end and therefore have an easier time moving on (4).
DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT STYLE
Sometimes also referred to as the “Fearful-Avoidant” type, this attachment style is characterized by detachment and feelings of ambivalence towards others. Adults with a Disorganized style are somewhat like a blend of certain characteristics from the Anxious-Preoccupied and the Dismissive-Avoidant styles. These individuals may desire to have a relationship, but when the relationship becomes too emotionally close they become uncomfortable—the reason for this is because Fearfuls are, “somewhat detached from themselves”, likely due to past trauma of some sort (9). Because as children they were more likely to have detached themselves from their own emotions, as adults they try to avoid these emotions for fear of becoming too engulfed in them; therefore, they are more likely to struggle to initiate and maintain long-lasting and healthy relationships (6, 7). These are the push-me, pull-me types—they want to be close, but then they push you away when things become too much for them because they fear getting “too close” (6). As a result, Fearfuls can be prone to emotional “lash outs'' because they struggle with trusting others and become afraid when anyone tries to get too close to them (7). These people often tend to go back and forth with their behavior and their displaying of emotion, sometimes appearing happy and connected, and other times coming across as cold and distant (10). Like the Anxious-Proccupied types, the Disorganized type also fears being rejected and may even terminate relationships to ensure this rejection that they are so afraid of will not be able to happen (10). These adults are more likely to end up alone or in an unhealthy or abusive relationship due to their patterns (7).
'CAN I CHANGE MY ATTACHMENT STYLE'?
If you’ve just realized that you likely fall into an attachment style category that you’d prefer not to be a part of, the good news is that attachment styles don't have to be permanent. In other words, there are steps you can take in order to help yourself to become more Securely attached.
One way to foster more Secure attachment is by entering into a relationship with someone who is already a Secure. If you’re an Anxious or an Avoidant, coupling with a Secure can sometimes help you to “raise up” to a place of more secure attachment yourself, although this isn't likely to happen right away and can take significant time (7). Another thing worth mentioning is that this isn't a fool-proof method either—just because you enter into a relationship with a Secure, doesn’t mean you will ultimately become more Secure yourself—it’s not magic; but rather, if you are willing to actively work on your attachment behaviors, a Secure partner can likely offer the support needed to assist you in this process.
If you’d like to become more Securely attached, another helpful option to consider is talk-therapy; therapy can be a wonderful way to work through your attachment behaviors in a safe, non judgmental, and progressive environment. Talk-therapy also has the capacity to help us become better communicators—a skill that can greatly benefit any current and future relationship.
For those of you who are already Secures, it’s important to keep in mind that your attachment style isn't necessarily fixed either, meaning it can change over time to become more anxious or avoidant. One reason for this change can be due to experiencing extreme, negative life events or changes, such as a painful divorce, death of a loved one, a serious accident etc. (7). More specifically, traumatic experiences have the power to negatively impact us, making us feel less secure, which can manifest in our relationships and ability to connect with our partners. Additionally, the changing attachment style of a Secure can come as the result of coupling with an Anxious, an Avoidant, or a Disorganized. In the same way that a Secure may be able to help “raise up” their non-secure partner, the Secure can also be effectively “brought down” by a partner who is not a Secure or not working to become more secure (7). Again, this isn't inevitable and does not mean that Secures shouldn't give other attachment styles a chance, it just means that it is important for the Secure to maintain their attachment style as best they can, so that they do not become bogged down by unhealthy patterns.
Moreover, making your needs clear early on might save you a lot of heartache later. For example, if you are someone who prefers to communicate via text or phone calls on a regular, perhaps daily basis, finding a way to inform a prospective partner about this early on may help you to determine whether this is someone who can, or would be willing to, meet this need. Conversely, if you are someone who needs a lot of space and alone time away from your partner, it's necessary that you bring this up early on, so as not to set up a certain expectation where your partner wants to see you more than you’d like to see them. Instead of playing things by ear too much, try to be clear in the beginning about what it is you are looking for in a partner and in a relationship.
If any of us can hope to successfully navigate life with someone else, we each must be willing to engage in a little something called compromise—because let’s face it, relationships without compromise, simply do not and will not work in the long run. We all have to be willing to work on ourselves, and it’s important that we hold ourselves and our partners accountable to this task as well. To anyone who has found the secret to making a loving relationship last long-term, my hat is off to you; and to those of us still struggling, it is important to remember that being aware of our own shortcomings is the first step in becoming the best version of ourselves. After all, it is nearly impossible to work on ourselves or our relationships if we don't understand where our strengths and weaknesses lie when it comes to preserving a healthy love relationship.
If you’d like to find out your dominant Attachment Style, there are a number of online resources offering free quizzes. Here are links to a few:
This one will give you a pie chart breakdown of what percentage of each attachment style you fall into, and will give you a little explanation for each style as well. However, it does require you to input your email at the end.
This one will identify only the style you fit most into, and then give you a little explanation of that style.
This short quiz will identify your primary attachment style and offer a short explanation.
REFERENCES
“Attachment Theory.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory.
Cherry, Kendra. “Bowlby & Ainsworth: What Is Attachment Theory?” Edited by Steven Gans, Verywell Mind, About Inc., 17 July 2019, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337.
McLeod, Saul. “Attachment Theory.” Simply Psychology, Simply Psychology, 5 Feb. 2017, www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html.
Cherry, Kendra. “The Different Types of Attachment Styles.” Edited by Steven Gans, Verywell Mind, About Inc., 18 Oct. 2019, www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344.
Birch, Jenna. “Knowing Your 'Attachment Style' Could Make You a Smarter Dater.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 16 Aug. 2018, www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2018/08/16/knowing-your-attachment-style-could-make-you-a-smarter-dater/.
Ackerman, Courtney. “What Is Attachment Theory? Bowlby's 4 Stages Explained.” PositivePsychology.com, Positive Psychology, 11 Feb. 2020, positivepsychology.com/attachment-theory/.
Manson, Mark. “Attachment Theory.” Mark Manson: Author, Thinker, Life Enthusiast, Infinity Squared Media LLC, 23 Aug. 2019, markmanson.net/attachment-theory.
Fraley, R. Chris. “A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research: R. Chris Fraley.” A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research | R. Chris Fraley, R. Chris Fraley, labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm.
Dyke, Andrew Van, et al. “What Is Your Attachment Style?” Edited by PsychAlive, PsychAlive, PsychAlive, 14 Mar. 2019, www.psychalive.org/what-is-your-attachment-style/.
Bockarova, Mariana. “The Forgotten Attachment Style: Disorganized Attachment.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers LLC., 23 Sept. 2019, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/201909/the-forgotten-attachment-style-disorganized-attachment.
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